More about Jeanie - Part 1

I was born in 1988, a dragon baby, into a well-to-do family. My parents said I was supposed to be a male (confirm during ultra scan), but I ended up being a female. Guess the family was quite disappointed. 

My paternal grandmother volunteered to take care of me way before I was born, thinking I will be a baby boy. When she knew that I was a girl, she took care of me half-heartedly and after one month, she returned me to my mother, someone who wasn't fond of children. She took care of me for two months and passed me to be under my maternal grandmother's care - like a ball. 

I grew up in a very protective family and my only family member is my maternal grandmother. I don't remember seeing my parents, don't remember if they did feed me before, don't remember if they did hug and kiss me before (doesn't mean that they never did before, just saying that I have little memories about them).  

I was an introvert because I grew up alone, for 5 freaking years. I remembered I went to Nursery and Kindergarten crying without fail everyday. I was so afraid to talk to people, including kids of the same age as me. I was so afraid of schooling, because I don’t know a single English word. I was so inferior. I have no childhood – no hide and seek, marbles, five stones, playgrounds and zero point.

I was so lonely, until my little brother was brought to this world. Am I happy then? No. Why did he snatched away all the care and concerns I had for the last 5 years? Still, I was alone again. I hated him till that I asked my granny to send him away. I was always in the living room myself, while my granny attended to my brother. I was always sleeping alone, when my granny carried my brother in her arms to sleep.

This was when my parents came into the picture. I remember seeing them more often than usual but had nothing memorable about them.

Someone who I remember vividly is my aunt. She used to make me dresses, tell me stories, accompany me and take me shopping. Till now, I can still remember the dress I love most; a white baby doll dress with lots of colorful heart prints. 

Then my baby cousin came along. My aunt was busy with the newborn and both families drifted. I had no idea of what had really happened at that point of time, but it was until now I get to know about the whole story. I am proud of you, my dear aunt.

Primary school started and still, I did not change or improve a single bit. I couldn’t speak English, as Mandarin was my only language. I was still the introvert, who doesn’t even dare to rise up my hand for permission to restroom. I stopped myself from drinking water and I didn’t visit the restroom even I was very urgent; which resulted in me peeing on my pants and bladder infection for umpteen times.

Teachers complained that I was a very slow learner and after a year, I still couldn’t convey a message across using proper English. I didn’t finish all the homework, not because I did not have the time to but it is because I couldn’t. I am stupid.

That’s when my parents came into my life. I moved back to stay with my parents, because my mother had to start helping me with my homework. I didn’t want to be this stupid, but all this things can’t be help. I got canned nearly every single day because of teacher’s complains. My mother torn my assessment books into half and threw them out of the door or windows. I got canned badly I flung my spelling test. No tender loving care, just canning and scolding.

When my mother decided that she couldn’t take the stress, I was once again sent back to my granny and they hired a tutor for me, who is a neighbor. Still, I was dumb. I couldn’t finish assignments given; I took 1 hour to solve a math sum. YES, complaints again. Once there was a complaint, my dad will rushed down all the way from his company, just to cane me.

I had no close friends in the school, and no one knew who I was. I was as good as invisible. I was not pretty and outstanding, and sucks at school work. I was the most uncool kind of kid in school. No one will want to hang out with me.

I started to hate school and so afraid to attention school, that I fell ill. I felt giddy and feverish when I woke up for school everyday. Either school sent me home half way through lesson or I was on a medical leave. I seen a lot of specialist but was diagnose with no problem. I even went through brain ultra sound but was perfectly all right. Until, I was brought to an optometrist. My first pair of spectacles – 350 degree per eye.  No wonder I felt giddy.

I was sent to a tuition center when all of the kids will study in a group. I started to make friends, enjoy accompanies and to do better in my studies.

I felt happier. I visited my aunt during the school holidays, had stay over in their house and enjoyed the time I spent. “AEIOU” was the game we always played when we were young – my little brother, my baby cousin and me. The only fond childhood memory I had? I no longer hate my brother, but we wasn’t that close either. We quarreled over little things and often stopped speaking to each other for days.

But don’t know since when, we stopped visiting my aunt and family. We drifted and I was no longer close with my cousins.

Well, life still went on for me, until I was 12 years old, the year for PSLE. At that point of time, my brother was only 7 years old. My parents quarreled every single day and my mother quarreled with my granny whenever my mother came to visit us. There wasn’t peace at all, till my mother stopped showing up. I didn’t miss her cause we were not close. We were just a little more than stranger, except the fact I will still be happy when she cares about me.

For a long time, we didn’t see her, until the day that she showed up; to make me realized I only had my brother.

“If you leave this house, don’t ever come back! Don’t you dare step into this house again!” my granny shouted.

My mum, in tears, came into the room, where me and my brother was hiding, told us that she will never be coming back and leaving the family for good. I can remember that she was sobbing so badly that she couldn’t even breathe, just like my brother and me. She then turned and left, without hugging and kissing us. Nothing could come out from my mouth, despite feeling thousands of needles piercing though my heart, despite the fact that how much I wanted her to stay. All I did was to hug my brother, crying ourselves to sleep.

I am sorry if this entry really bores you, but I really need somewhere to vent my feelings, cause I have no one to share with. I need to let them all out, before I turn crazy again. I thought I can forget all the unhappiness, but I guess I can’t. My heart still aches very badly when all these flash back. I still cry myself to sleep these days and will need to drown myself in beer to sleep when the day is really bad.

There were these part of my life (teenage/young adult) where I was admitted into Institute of Metal Health, on sleeping pills every night, couldn’t live without anti-depressant pills. I slashed my wrist, my arm, and my thigh and banged my head against the wall whenever I was unhappy. I kept myself in room for 2 weeks without seeing anyone and only communicate with my wall by drawing and writing on it. I abused drugs to make myself happier and use cigarette butts to burn myself cause I prefer physical pain than metal torture. I planned my suicide and popped 18 Panadols but didn’t manage to die.

Will update my teenage life in part 2, only when I am really depressed like today.